Many PWS often wonder if they would find a mate, a spouse, a partner in life. I certainly did when I was young. Finding a mate and fulfilling the deepest urge to reproduce ourselves in to newer and expectedly, better forms is almost like destiny and few are able to bypass it. There were many girls in the college where I was studying- and I often fantasised about how it would be to talk to them! Yes, it was a very conservative seventies in a Hindi belt state. I also wondered how they would react if I stammered or had a full blown block mid-sentence. I assumed they would be shocked and repelled. Has any girl ever fallen in love with some one with a big scar on face- or other socially negative trait?

For many of us, choice of a mate is often same as bartering of goods: we aim for a fair exchange- goods of comparable value can be exchanged. Function and appearance are an important determinants of 'value' or worth. “Of Human bondage” is a semi-autobiographical novel by Somerset Maugham, who himself was a PWS. The central character in this novel- Philip, does not stammer but has a club foot. He goes to Paris to learn art and meets a girl- Fanny. They feel attracted to each other; She takes the lead but when he discovers that she opted for him because of his club foot- thinking that, in exchange he would be more accepting of her shabby appearance and poor circumstances- he finds the whole idea unacceptable and turns away from her...

"I don't want to quarrel with you. You're the only friend I had in Paris. I thought you rather liked me. I felt there was something between us. I was drawn towards you--you know what I mean, your club-foot." (said Fanny.)

Philip reddened and instinctively tried to walk without a limp. He did not like anyone to mention the deformity. He knew what Fanny Price meant. She was ugly and uncouth, and because he was deformed there was between them a certain sympathy. He was very angry with her, but he forced himself not to speak. (Of Human Bondage, by Somerset Maugham)

This happens to many of us. We want to be accepted for our “inner” worth. We don't want to be 'short changed' because of our stammering. But are we willing to do the same with women and men we meet? Are we looking for something deeper than looks and fluency?

In arranged marriages, still a common norm in Asia, neither the girl nor the boy may have much choices, because the family has made the match, based on the consideration of other parameters, supposedly more significant. Sometime this may lead to problems. But the problems can be there even in absence of stammering because marriage itself is a rather unfair arrangement in many cases. In most cases, it appears that the spouse gets used to the stammering of her or his partner and may soon stop even noticing it. Life thereafter can be as comfortable as in any other case.

Love marriages sometime offer scope for people to be more adventurous and exercise their options more consciously. Some people would fall in love and spend life with people with obvious handicaps: a beautiful girl may marry a paraplegic or an alcoholic; a highly successful career professional may marry a 'home loving' girl; a young man may marry an older woman or vice versa.. It appears that people in these cases are being guided by some deeper consideration – something deeper than just bartering goods of equal value. Well, these marriages too may or may not work.

A recent survey published by an Indian magazine, indicated that majority of women would look for two qualities in their spouse: 'steadiness' and 'being a good father/ provider'. Fluency and good looks was not in the top three desirable determinants. PWS on the other hand often think of themselves as 'unlikely' candidates because in their universe, stuttering is the worst fault and 'fluency', the most desirable trait. There is no middle ground in their understanding of the world around them.

How do women who marry a PWS, feel about it? Here is an excerpt from an interview:

“ When I saw someone make fun of Pawan, of course I would feel angry and tried to defend him. But this was rare. In fact, now looking back, I realise that I did not even notice it for all these long years. Yes, we did have arguments but these were about other things.. By and large, life was good. Yes, sometime I did not understand, why Pawan would be so impatient, if I interrupted him or simply asked a question.. Now I know, he was facing a physical difficulty. Yes I know, what stammering is...” (an Indian wife).

As I grew older, I discovered that men and women fall in love for a variety of reasons and sometimes no reason at all. Stammering is after all not such a big issue. Developing sensitivity to others' needs, being thoughtful and truly caring for others, come out to be much more important in the long run. So, if you stammer and are looking for a spouse, do not give up: cultivate other qualities, have courage, communicate, even if through sms and never give up hope!

So what happened to Philip in the story*? Of course he found love and a girl to marry- but after he had learned to be more unselfish towards others and more accepting of his club foot. When we accept ourselves, we are more open to accepting others with their 'short-comings'; this creates the ground for enduring and meaningful relationships.

*This novel, Of Human Bondage, is available as free text file from Project Gutenberg. (http://www.gutenberg.org/etext/351)