Dear TISA
I am going to tell you a story about me and life , so that other people realize that they are not alone in having such feelings and experiences. I don’t know when my stammering started.  My parents told me that when I was 5 years old, muje bahout bukhar aaya tha (I ran high fever) and then suddenly stammering appeared.  May be, the reason was the side effects of medicines.  I am not sure about it.

My father was working as bank manager. So after every 3-6 year we had transfers from one city to another. I have one older brother and a sister. From childhood, I am very emotional person. Being a younger child my parents gave me lots of love and care.

Till class 7, I was not aware about my disability. So I didn’t give any attention to my speech. My father got transferred to a different city when I was in class 8. It was whole new environment for me. New school, new people - everything was new.  I remember that in my class, teacher told me to give introduction as a new student.  That time I stuttered quite a bit and teacher told me to sit down.  That time I realized that I have some problem. Other student started to laugh at me and I had a fight with a classmate when he made fun of me.  Teacher told me to sit on first batch because I could not speak “YES Sir” at the time of attendance.  Instead, he asked me to just raise my finger.  That time I was also feeling uncomfortable to talk with other students.  I never tried to make new friends in school and try new things. I even refused to play with schoolboys, because for that I had to mix up with them and speak a lot.

At that time I took hypnotherapy treatment for stammering. I remember that I never went to trance state when the doctor told me to go inside in my mind and gave suggestions.  So, hypnotherapy didn’t work for me.

My father got transfered again when I was in Std 11, Science stream and we moved to Malgudi.  Malgudi was the bigger city I ever stayed.  Again a new high school and new environment.  I knew it is very important year for my career.  I felt more and more uncomfortable here because I couldn’t speak with everybody and enjoy. Nobody was interested to talk with me because they knew my problem and hesitated.  I also couldn’t understand what teacher taught because I never asked questions to clarify my doubts.  So, I had to understand everything on my own.  One day I made a mistake in a physics practical and teacher scolded me very bad; Worst thing was that I couldn’t defend myself by telling her the truth because of my stammering.  After that I developed a deep fear that I can not explain anything to her.  So every time, I just tried to run away from her practical session.

I never felt involved or 'adequate' in class lecture or practical session and I never asked anybody to help me in my difficulties.  I was living in my safe zone. The result was I could not learn new things, never made friends who could help me and whose company I could enjoy.  I was very much interested to talk with girls but never did that.  I felt ashamed of myself.

Due to all these reasons I failed in 12th.  I tried 4-5 time to clear the exam but due to lack of confidence and understanding of subject I never passed.  I want to tell you about one of my scary examination experience.

That time, I was giving biology exam and I decided to cheat. For that I had to write many things in a paper and put it in my pocket.  But unfortunately I got caught. Teacher sent me to the principal office.  That principal was very strict. He scolded me a lot. Asked me about my father and told me that he would inform my dad about my mischief. I cried a lot and requested him not to do that.   That incident was horrible experience of my life and I want to forget it for forever.

My parents had never talked about my failures but I felt their worry. But I was not able to do anything for myself other then feeling helpless. After that I decided to stop study and join a computer course and I started computer operator’s job.  In computer course also, I couldn’t concentrate. Lack of communication ability was hurting me here also.

Then my father forced me to complete 12th with Arts instead of science subjects and I passed.  Then it was time to join college but I refused to go to college due to my fear of speaking and low confidence.  So I completed my college study as an external student.  Muje aaj bhi bahut afsos hota hai ki kyu maine college join nahi kiya. (I regret even today why I did not join the college) Agar me kar leta to me bahut kuch sikh sakta tha. (Had I joined the college, I could have learned so many things) Like how to talk with girls, among other things. Then I completed my post graduation in IT but it was also a distance education course.

Instead of accepting new challenges I always tried to run away from the situation. This is the reason I feel I am not matured person as per my age.  I missed learning about life.  I am 32 now but my thoughts and beliefs are like a boy of 21 .  All my classmates and friends are in good position now.  They have a family with wife and kids and a good job.  Whenever I compare them with myself, I found that I am far behind in everything.

I am not satisfied with my life. I haven’t done anything special of which I could be proud .  Not even study or job.  I am living same life for years and I don’t have guts to change it. I got some good friends in life. They tried to change me but I notice that I don’t have killer instinct to change myself.  Everybody told me to work on myself. I know it will change my life when I speak some fluently.  But I am not able to do it.  I lost my 2 girl friends.  They liked me but they knew that I am so much lazy on myself they left me.

Now I am feeling very alone.  I cannot find any way to express my feeling by speaking. That’s why I am very much depending on online chatting with someone.  I am very much afraid to talk on phone.  In Today’s world vocal communication is more and more important. You have to speak everywhere.
Sometime I feel myself as an Alien who can’t speak with anybody.  I can’t be a part of a group discussion. I cannot tell anybody my point or what I want to say.

I want to have a big circle of friends with whom I can have fun and enjoy my life.  Have a family. A good life.  I am ready to fight with world but I need communication power and be fearless.
Actually I have lots of things to say about myself.  Many things I want to share with everybody.  First of all I have to change myself by changing way of thinking and growing.  Have to learn lots of things in life.

Hope this information will show the real person I am- behind my apparent silence and lack of interest. My English is not so good.  So please ignore my grammatical mistakes. If you don’t understand anything or want to know more, please ask me.

Regards,
Unni from Malgudi

(Ed: Personally identifiable information has been suppressed on our discretion)