Right from the age of 5 till today, I’ve been a part of a battle. A battle against my words. Against the expressions that were sometimes left unexpressed. At times, I felt like a bird, caged in bars. I called it, my battle of words, and medical science called it – “Stammering”.

It has been with me since my primary schooling. I can scarcely recollect it started because I started imitating a fellow classmate who had a similar problem. Not as a mockery, but out of curiosity, I used to try talking like him when alone. And as they say, curiosity kills the cat; it somehow became a permanent characteristic attributed to me.

But it was always a mild stammering during the primary and even in my secondary schooling. I remember during my ninth standard, we had an assignment, wherein we had to speak on a certain topic, infront of the class. This was an attempt from the teacher to prepare us for public speaking, which she believed, is an important requisite in the coming years. I clearly remember my topic was to speak about “Time”. I gave a neat speech of around 15 mins. And the comment that I got from the teacher was that, you were very close to be the winner (The teacher had kept prizes, so as to encourage us and have a sense of competition), but you should have been a bit louder. So, I missed being winner because I was too soft, and not because of my stammering.

The Battle Begins

The real challenges came after I passed my SSC. During my SSC, I found myself under immense pressure from my parents, teachers and the most from my relatives. I was from a family which gave utmost importance to education, and scoring at board examination. A couple of years before I had answered my SSC, one of my cousins had excelled in SSC, and was among the top 50 in the state. Since I was the immediate next, comparison with him was inevitable. The relatives’ expectations were sky high.

Parents knew I was an above-average student, and not an exceptional topper. Though I had the potential to score, my attitude then was very much carefree. I remember that time the Principal wrote a note to my parents that I had a potential of scoring 85%, if I had concentrated on my studies properly. But when the results were out, I had scored 67% in SSC. And I was aspiring to go in the science field, which was a difficult proposition with that score.

My father with his contacts could manage a seat in one of the good-enough colleges in the city. But during the admission, I had an interview with the Principal of the college. He looked down upon my marks, expressed doubts if I’ll be able to clear my PUC, and said that even my score in Maths (76%) and Science (70%), were not good enough. This really had a mark on my mind, that I started having a very negative perspective about myself. I thought I was not good enough. I started looking down upon myself.

When classes began, I was the shortest one in class, with boyish looks, and still a boyish voice. Naturally, I was the soft target of mockery and bullying, by the taller and manlier classmates. This was when my stammering problem started aggravating. I lost my self esteem. I started becoming shy and introvert. Basically, I had a very much negative image about myself.

As expected, I couldn’t concentrate on my studies properly, and I was preparing for examinations with a mindset that I am not fit for this field I am pursuing. Eventually, I scored very less in my PUC, which did a further damage to my morale.

I couldn’t get admission in engineering. I was very much confused about what to do in life. I read newspapers, and read about the IT revolution, and booming opportunities there. But I couldn’t make it to computer engineering. I tried my luck in bachelor’s degree in computer science (BSc). I couldn’t make it there as well due to my low marks in mathematics.

Finally, I had no choice but to pursue a bachelor’s degree in Chemistry. Though I knew this was certainly not what I wanted to do, I started pursuing the degree for the sake of it. Simultaneously, I joined a private course in computers in NIIT, in my hope to chase my dreams to make it big in IT industry. I thought with a bachelor’s degree in hand and a computer diploma from NIIT, I’ll be able to get a decent job in the field of IT.

In NIIT, I had the biggest of jitters, when I came to know that we had to give presentations as a part of the curriculum of the course. This was a period when I was very bad with my stammering. As a result of a low self-esteem, I was already talking very less, and talked with only few friends who I was comfortable with. My presentations at this course were very bad. I kept on delivering bad presentations one after another, that by now, everybody in my batch knew how bad I was with my presentations, and my stammering.

I would certainly like to highlight an incidence about one of my presentations in my last semester of this course. As soon as I started with my presentation, half of the class went out for a coffee break. It was very insulting and humiliating for me. My audience was merely 7 to 8, and the jury. The body language of the jury was also discouraging and demoralizing me.

An Inspirational Meeting

During these times, a name was making waves in the print and TV media, both in national and in local dailies. My father once showed me a newspaper cut-out. It read about a man, Mr. P who was severe stammer upto the age of 26, but who cured himself with his self-devised techniques, and now helping other stammerers with his “Stammering Cure Centre”.

I had tried a couple of therapies in my childhood in vain. But this person was not a therapist. He was a stammerer like me. I expressed my wish to meet Mr. P to my parents. My parents as supportive as ever, willingly agreed, and planned a trip to Bangalore, to meet this great man.

I had visualized “Stammering Cure Centre” as a very grand premises, with Mr. P (who I had read was an award winner from the hands of the then President of India) as a very larger then life personality, wearing a suit and a tie.

When I reached the centre, I saw a very modest of the premises. Our taxi stopped at the door, and out came a humble man, with a simple shirt and trousers, signalling the taxi where to park. To my surprise, this humble man was Mr. P himself! I never anticipated that he himself would be coming to receive us.

He took us to the office. And when he talked to me, I was mesmerized by his oratory speech. Every word he spoke was crystal clear and smooth as silk. I wouldn’t have believed at all if somebody was to tell me that this person, at one time had a severe stammer!

He insisted that I should attend his 15-day crash course. But I couldn’t attend it then, because my college was starting soon. He then said that he had plans to hold a camp in Goa soon, and told me to join the camp in Goa.

Exactly a year later, P- Sir’s camp was organized in Goa, and to my delight, in my very own town – Margao! I attended the crash course in Goa. Those 15 days were very inspirational, and P- Sir’s techniques were really innovative and inculcated lot of belief and self confidence. I knew that I was proceeding in right direction.

I sincerely practiced these techniques for 6 months, (though he strictly recommends to practice it for 8 to 9 months), and during those days I had much better days. After a few days, I stopped my practices, citing some excuses (which was wrong on my part), the stammering recurred, and then since then, it was a roller-coaster ride. I had good times and some bad times. This went on, and had become a part of my routine life.

Master’s Degree – A Decision to Master my stammering too

After my graduation, I was out of the college as a very shy, introvert and with no self confidence. I had a very negative picture of myself, carved in my mind. I took a paltry job as data entry in an IT-enabled services company. But this was never what I wanted to do. I wanted to do my masters in IT.

Then I gave a shot at the entrance examination for the Masters in Information Technology. This was like a do or die situation for me. I cleared the test, and got my admission done. I was elated that I would finally be able to do formal studies in Information Technology.

It was here, that something clicked, and I decided to have a make over of my life. I stopped going out with some of my wrong friends, who I had come across during my college years. Now, I had set myself two goals:

1. Fully concentrate on my studies seriously for the next two years.

2. Take my stammering head on, and push myself beyond my fears.

I started my masters with two fears – one – I had to again pursue mathematics as a subject. I had bad memories about mathematics in my 12^th std, with the Principal looking down upon me. I thought I was very bad at mathematics. Two – I had to give seminars and presentations, in which again, I was very bad, and I had worse of my memories during the NIIT course.

I took my first challenge. I started studying mathematics seriously. Because of my earlier fear, I didn’t score impressive marks in my first internals. But I still kept trying, and in my next internals, I scored the second-highest marks in the class. Now I knew that I was not bad in mathematics, but what happened during 12^th std. was a result of the Principal’s disbelief in me, and because of my lack of fighting spirit.

Now, my next challenge was to get over the fear of presentations. As I mentioned, I had worst experiences with my presentations earlier. With those memories at the back of my mind, I delivered my first presentation in my masters. I was bad again. I stammered a lot. I even noticed a girl dozing while I was talking. A couple of presentations happened after that, which again were very bad.

Then, in my second semester of masters, I decided to analyze and attack this problem. I read a lot of books. What I concluded was, for presentation you need confidence, and confidence comes with knowledge.

Here is how I prepared this time:

1. I studied the topic which I was supposed to talk, thoroughly. Deep knowledge about what you talk, gives you confidence.

2. Listed a number of possible questions that could arise during my presentation. And also found answers to those.

3. One day prior to the presentation, locked myself inside my room, ran the powerpoint on my PC, and began to deliver the presentation, imagining the class infront of me. I framed my sentences as I would, and began to talk slide after slide.

Result:

Superb Presentation! Stammering throughout the presentation was just 5%. I knew about my topic, so I got the confidence. And because of this, sometimes the stammering also never showed up. It never came. I was met with comments like: "Your presentation was the best", "That was neatly done, I really enjoyed it".

I henceforth concluded that for presentations, confidence and preparation is the key. Before presentation, go well prepared. Practice one day in advance, so that you plan what to talk, and next day, you know what to talk. Studying and preparing the topic helps you in knowing what to talk. Giving a mock presentation alone in the room helps you in how to talk.

I followed the same procedure for all my presentations henceforth. And I did them pretty well. I had got a solution for my presentation phobia.

By now, I was starting to get confidence, as I had overcome two of my fears – Mathematics and Presentation. This confidence triggered my mind to have a different opinion about me. I began to have role models. Bagchi Sir and Hrithik Roshan were my biggest role models. I thought, if they can overcome their stammering, that means it is possible to overcome it. If they did it, then so will I.

With this, I began to push myself more. I spoke in the class, asked questions to the lectures. Took part actively in the interactive sessions. Replied to the questions asked by the lecturers. Sometimes when I gave the right answers, it gave me a lot of confidence. Once, I answered a question to a very senior lecturer that he was kept thinking. He said, “That’s a very nice question!” All this helped to inculcate back in me, my lost self confidence. I was now beginning to believe in myself. The negative self image was slowly beginning to diminish. This even reflected my behaviour in social life. During any family functions, I was no longer reserved, and took initiative myself to talk to the people I know. Be it my elders, or my cousins, I made it a point to approach them, shook hands and exchange a couple of words.

By this time, I had reduced my stammering a lot, compared to what it was in 11^th, 12^th and graduation times. But I was apprehensive about one thing – My Job!

My leap into the world of professionalism

My first job was in NE Technologies, as a software engineer. I had approached the preparation of my interview with the same old mantra – “Knowledge gives confidence”. But interviews are a different ball game altogether. The topics are not limited, but vast. You may be asked anything from various things that you had learnt. Even then, some questions where I knew the answers well, I could speak well, and some questions where I was in doubt, I stammered with my answers. I cleared the interview and got the job.

Now, I had apprehensions about Voice conferences, meetings, and reviews. For my first voice conference to our Hyderabad office, we were informed a day prior. I luckily had some time to prepare. I prepared thoroughly with the documents that were given to us, started the day with meditation, and during meditation, visualized myself in the conference. I had decided that I would speak slowly, and take pauses within sentences. And when the conference actually happened, coincidently, our manager asked on a concept which was given to me. I had prepared well, so I answered it well. I could also put into practice my slow speaking and paused speech. My first ever voice conference was not a bad experience after all!

The next and a bigger challenge came in when I was supposed to give a demonstration of software to the end users at the clients. I was a part of the e-governance project, and being a novice, I had to give demonstrations of the software at various government departments. My first ever demonstration was for the Department of Information and Publicity. And what was worse was that, our Project Manager from USA would also accompany the demonstration.

But by this time, I had a belief that I could do it. The way I overcame some of my fears in the past had given me a boost and self confidence. I was not too scared of presentations any more. The demonstration continued from 11 in the morning till 4 in the evening. At the end of the day, our Project Manager shook hands with me and acknowledged my work by saying, “Good job! Well done!” This again added to the confidence, and then there was no stopping.

Present Day

Today, I have the confidence and belief in me, which was missing when I was in my higher-secondary and graduation days. But at the same time, today, there are lot of areas where there is a scope of improvement. I have taken control of my stammering by upto 70 to 80%. But I am working vigorously to take that percentage to 95% to 99%.

Today, I still have problems during unexpected speaking situations. Problems arise when I need to tell something to a group of more then 5 people. Meetings and presentations are not a problem, but sometimes talking to friends on phone or in person is a problem. These are some of the areas which I need to work on, and am continuously working.

The TV interview of Hrithik Roshan where he admitted that he still has stammering and he still practices for 1 hour a day, changed my approach towards stammering. If Hrithik despite being a star, is not shy of speaking about his stammering on national television, then why should we? If Hrithik despite his busy schedule of stardom can afford to practice an hour a day, then why shouldn’t we?

Because of internet, I could see this Hrithik episode which I had missed, and because of Internet, I came across many other fellow stammerers from across the country. Through them I came to know about The Indian Stammering Association (TISA), and their various Self Help Groups (SHGs) in various states. By interacting with stammerers across the country and a few members of TISA, I learnt that accepting stammering is the first step to cure stammering. And second, is by helping others in whatever way we could, we also help ourselves.

With that in mind, I also aspire to take an initiative to start the Goa SHG, with a couple of my friends. I have taken the initiative, and I hope for a positive response from my friends, and hope to be successful in the same. Please contact me at This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it

HARISH  USGAONKAR