I was born in a typical Kayasth family in eastern UP in 1958. Youngest of the four children. My earliest memories are those of others reacting with discomfort when I spoke. I personally did not have any problems with my speech! I wish it could have stayed that way! But as I grew I learned to be uncomfortable with my own speech and a host of strategies to deal with it. One of the strategies was to simply deny the problem!

My father did not stammer but his younger brother did. This uncle would speak normally all the time except when his elder brother (my father) will question him about something unfavorable. Then, he would lose all control and will go in a long stammer. My father, an army man (a JCO) could never understand these episodes. Sometime he would complain to my mother: God knows what happens to Bhavnath- I just asked him why he said such and such to Babuni and he started ri-ri-ri-ri !

Later, he realised that his eldest and youngest son, both had inherited the same problem. He felt bad about it but showed it only in unguarded moments- just a passing look of disappointment. But it hurt deeply, since I, as a child, felt that I must please my parents at any cost. Now looking back, I feel that if he was able to accept it, he could have helped me to deal better with my stammering. But I guess, he too was a product of his time and society, as much as I am. I think, the most baffling aspect of the problem was- my brother at number two and sister at number three spoke perfectly normally. To make matters worse, I sang pretty well as a child!

My family was not overtly or excessively religious, but I as a child always had a feeling that 'God is' and that He cares. Every night I will go to bed praying and get up in the morning with a silent expectation. Few hours in the day, I will discover that my speech problems were back. But then, I would find unexpected help in other ways. Sometime, in the form of good teachers, good friends or just chance fluency when I would need it most.

All those difficulties in communicating with others pushed me to an inner world of imagination and adventure: I had a funny little gnome like friend in class 4 or 5. Tago - he couldn't be more than 10 or 12 inches. He could bounce, leap, land on people's head and force them to listen to me! He would save me the trouble of asking for my copy back from the class teacher. He could simply whisk it away from her table and bring it to me in a trice! Any child who acted funny with me- had to watch out because Tago would bash them up! Also, Tago was a very good listener. He could listen to me for hours without crinkling his face- and he could understand me so perfectly! What else could you expect from a friend? Except, that this friend was a creature of my vivid imagination. So, a child who stammers, only wants to be listened and understood, without being judged. Does the world have time for that?

My stammering made me feel that I must prove myself, so whatever I did, I did with a vengeance! I was good at academics, sports, drawing and singing. I was so hell-bent to prove myself that once I participated in the school debate too. Yes, a child can do anything. It is only the adults who tell him or her what he or she can or can not do, who bring in a false sense of limitation. Then, the child grows up and passes on this kind of shallow worldly wisdom to the next generation: you cant do this or that.

I went to Allahabad Medical College for graduation (1977). A senior lecturer in Anatomy spoke in a very slow and deliberate fashion. One day, we stood face to face for a viva. He asked a question and while answering, I stumbled. He pulled me close with his steel pointer and looked deeply into my eyes. Suddenly, I realised that he thought I was mimicking him! So, even he was only trying to hide his stammer! This came as a sad surprise. Is stammering such a bad thing?

After Medical college, I joined various institutions, worked for a while and then moved on - Mission hospitals, ITBP, Malaria Control and finally the voluntary sector. I always felt that I was not accepted- that I did not belong- and would resign sooner or later. Perhaps this perception was wrong but it was always there in the background. Kind of alienation. A feeling that I was in a foreign land and sooner or later I must return "home", wherever it was.

While working with NGOs, I discovered that not only individuals but even society can simply deny a problem, whenever it conveniently can. Women's issues was a good example in eighties and nineties. So was stammering and many other disabilities. To build a perspective on an unacknowledged problem, some pioneers have to get the ball rolling. These early activists or advocates should ideally be from the affected group. Others can represent it but would lack the authenticity in the long run.

Over the years, I had developed good insights into Social Medicine and community mobilisation. And having stuttered all my life, I felt I was truly equipped to deal with the problem. Just one thing was lacking: what, if any, is the solution for stammering after all?

In a parallel theme, my search for personal solutions had never stopped. I had looked for answers within through meditation. But I was not able to go beyond a certain point. And this snag obviously was my speech issue. Fear, anger and shame buried deep within. It was my great good fortune to run into the Silent Saint of Yamuna valley. I bared my heart to him and felt for the first time as if I had communicated totally and was accepted completely. I was about 47. Wise therapists say that if you can talk about your stutter you can 'cure' it. Do you have someone you could bare your heart to?

I met Marian, my partner in 1971. She used to be my teacher! In spite of the difference in our age, many things bound us together. We both had initiation later on from the same teacher- Swami Gambhiranand. When I began talking about my speech, she was able to understand my inner suffering and its effects on my moods. People who stammer, hide their fears and emotions constantly. This takes a toll on their relationships and can appear as unreasonable irritation or defensiveness. The other person is often left clueless.

Marian began editing my stammering related writings with greater understanding and interest. Now, she has become quite a good counselor for children who stammer. In 2008 Dr Kuster asked me to contribute a paper to on-line ISAD conference (here). Many readers asked questions based on it. This further helped me to think things through in my head. At the same time, I felt as if I had made yet another connection with the world.

So, do I stammer now? Yes, I do. But I no more feel bad about it. On the other hand my communication has certainly improved after I began accepting my issues, my speech. Stammering is the result of a struggle: an inner struggle taking over our tongues in an unguarded moment. This struggle is silenced for ever once we accept our stammer and learn to be comfortable with it. Once this struggle is over, one is free to pay attention to the act of communication. And communication is not about fluency. It is all about conveying a thought and listening to the other person. It is about finding the common ground. It is about the other person, not ourself. This is what I try to learn and practice day after day. Tago is back to help me. He was always behind my thoughts and he can move mountains.

So, do I think of stammering as an adversity or opportunity? Once I changed my attitude, it became an opportunity, a friend. I have so many friends now across the globe, just because of my stammering connection. There are other things too: like a Zen koan it forced my rational mind to turn within. My difficulties with words drove me to books and nature. I went for solo treks in the Himalayas. Still do sometime..  (pic below : a 7 day solo trek from Spiti to Tsomoriri across Parang la.)