(Seventh article in the "Real Tough Kids" serise)

Who is not frightened of something or the other? Some fear is good. It teaches us to keep our fingers out of the electric socket! Certain fears- like that of fire or electric shock, are learned but there is one fear, we all are born with- fear of death. Sometime fear helps us to get ready for the big fight or flight- ie. facing the danger OR running away from it. Both are necessary some time or the other. But what about that freezing through fear? Like that of a chicken totally overpowered by fear? What good is that? That is what happens to us sometimes, as we are about speak.

Where does this fear come from? No one truly understands but in most cases, it is based on our bad experiences as we were growing up. Sometime, we start projecting our fears from the past to the FUTURE: Because I had difficulties answering in class, I will have difficulty today in Viva too. When we are frightened, certain chemicals are released in the body which cause trembling, excitement, muddled thoughts, fast heart beats and shallow irregular breathing. It has been seen that if you can take 2-3 deep breaths calmly, most of these changes can be reversed- and fear may just melt away. But it needs some practice and self-awareness. And it has to be done well before fear overtakes you completely.

Another very direct way to deal with fear is to become FEARLESS through attempting courageous tasks, starting from small acts. Have you seen children learning to dive jump in a swimming pool? They do it first from the ground level; next from 6 feet hight and finally from the highest point, which could be 12-15 feet above the water level. This is how they conquer their fear of diving. Children have an advantage which adults mostly do not: children's mind is by and large free of the “learned fear”. They love accepting challenges. In spite of their stammer, they may opt for debate. They may have no experience but would agree to act on stage. Adults would rarely show such courage.

Now, what path should one take for challenging one self? Every child could take up a different path. The only thing she or he needs to consider- is it challenging enough? For some it could be- opting to become the class monitor, reading out a prayer in the assembly, making a presentation in the class or joining the Boxing class! Here is the story of a child who learned to deal with his stammering through Boxing!

Case study: Kamal had a bad stammer by the time he was 12. What disturbed him and his audience was the distortions on face and rapid blinking of eyes, whenever he was stuck in block. More so when he was excited or when many people were looking at him intently- like in the class. The harder he tried to control these movements, the worse they became. Finally a time came, when he stopped fighting these facial twitches and just stammered as calmly as he could. It did not reduce his blocks but he was no more fighting against a wall. He knew it will always be there. He still felt the fear whenever he rose to read in the class – but accepted it as a matter of daily life.

One day the class teacher announced a debate competition for the upcoming annual day function. Kamal opted to speak in favor of Ahimsa (non-violence). Some other boys took up the other side- violence as a higher duty. He memorized all his lines, went on stage with his heart thumping away and rattled off all his lines. He got no prize but his friend Arup, later commented that he was impressed by his courage: Yes, you blinked like mad and stopped in every second line- but WOW you stood there and completed your speech! That takes courage!

Next time, it was breaking the bad news to maths teacher that no body had done the home assignment because of Indo-Pak cricket match. There were chances that if the teacher forgot and if everyone kept quiet, he may not have known anything at all. But when he suddenly asked- I am sure you all have done home work I gave yesterday? - there was pin drop silence in the class; not even the monitor had the guts to stand up and speak the truth. Finally Kamal stood up, said 'no' and explained. Even though he stammered as he explained, he felt a courage, he had never felt before. He was speaking simple small truth, where none had dared. Later, some students called him foolish – while others looked at him with admiration.

Next challenge came when his class went to gym. The boxing teacher asked one student to step out. Again, the monitor and the big bully in the class looked sideways promptly. They were scared but Kamal stood up and volunteered, to every one's surprise. The teacher just demonstrated a few punches and some foot work. It hurt but Kamal had that nice feeling again: he can do what everyone fears, including himself! It was a nice and warm feeling. Later, the teacher asked him to join the team, preparing for tournaments!

What if he hurts his hand and cant write the exams? What if his face gets hurt? His eye? Kamal thought of all the possibilities that night. By the morning his mind was made up: he will never know if his fears are true or just imagination, until he checks them out- at least once, whole heartedly. He gave his name for the boxing team. But fears have a tendency to keep returning in different insidious forms. Kamal would fight well but always guarded his face a little too much! No one could touch his face, no matter what! This also lessened his options of attacking the opponent.

In one of the matches, three rounds had gone and the scores were still even. Kamal was not giving any point to the other boy- he was guarding himself well and moving fast. But was also not getting any points. Both of them were tired. Referee announced that the next point would be the “match” point: whoever takes the next point would be declared winner. As Kamal stood in his corner, his trembling legs supporting his weight somehow- a thought flashed through his head: what if he could forget his fear of getting hurt in the face for a second? What would happen? His both hands would be free to move and he could score a point.. Can he give up his fears just for a second?

As the bell rang, Kamal literally raced towards his opponent, made a feint with left hand and scored with right hand punch to face. There was a whistle and a loud cheer. He was raised by their coach and other team members. He had no idea what was happening to him and around him. All he realized, that for a moment he was freed from the grip of fear- and something good resulted.

Later on, for weeks his mind would go back to those few minutes, which seemed stretched like a rubber band for ever and ever. He felt that he still needed to understand what happened so quickly in a few moments. This is what he understood: Even when he fought in the ring- it was not all out attempt. He was frightened of getting hurt in the face, especially eyes. So, most of his energies were focused on defense. He could take point, only when the opponent GAVE him a point through carelessness. But that day- his mind was free of FEAR suddenly. For a second, he was truly fearless. And that is what gave him his winning point!

Few more days, went by and he realized that speech was like a boxing bout. He could deliver his best only when he gave up the fear of failing. How does one do that? He discovered that if he accepted that he stammered, the fear of stammering goes away. Then, speaking is so much easier and so much FUN! He started by talking about his stammering with his boxing partners; then, with family members and finally with total strangers. When he joined college, he talked about it during introductions in every class. Some boys smiled and some girls looked at him sideways. It was okay, because he knew he had the courage to do what no one else would do.

Practical Ideas:

1. Children, even the physical sports can give you a taste of that wonderful state of 'fearlessness'. So explore such adventure sports which challenge you and take you beyond your normal conservative consciousness.

2. Consider other challenges- like speaking the truth, getting up early in the morning, sitting for meditation for an hour, learning a new language etc. Anything which seems difficult, give it a try. But start with smaller challenges.

3. As you try new challenges, sometime you will fail. Accept that as a part of growing up. Learning to deal with failure is a big challenge by itself.

4. Whenever you pick up a challenge, do the necessary research about it. Learn about it systematically. For example, if Maths has always been a challenge for you, take help from a friend or read a guide and then apply yourself whole heartedly.

5. When you feel fear, you tend to stop. But you dont have to. Even when you are feeling the fear, you should go ahead. Suppose, you go to swimming pool to learn swimming. Your heart is beating very fast and you are frightened. If you wait for your heart to calm down- you may have to wait for ever and ever! But if you take a few deep breath and step into the shallow part of the swimming pool- your heart will calm down and your fear too will go away quietly. So, remember the watchword: When frightened, get up and do something!

6. As you become more and more fearless, apply that attitude to speaking situations. Make it a point to raise your hand in the class – even if you just say “Th- tha-thank you, Teacher”!