Know thy stammer and thy stammer shall set you free

This might seem like stretching an old adage a little bit too far- but nothing could be truer than this. We live in a bubble of denial where we do not know our stutter and the related behaviors, feelings and attitudes at all. All we do know is the uncomfortable response we get occasionally from our audience. Uncomfortable response? To what? To our speech, that is about all we know. But what did we do with our speech mechanism, our breathing muscles, facial muscles, our eyes, our limbs, posture in that passing (our judgment of time also is impaired) moment of great difficulty- this we do not know. Some PWS compare that moment to the confusion and desperation of someone suddenly drowning. How did we psychologically react to that moment of difficulty? Did we give up the forward movement of speech in our confusion and distress? Did we exaggerate the movements of our hand or head to get the word out? Did we feel irritated by the listener and hold them 'responsible' for our difficulties? What exactly transpired through our body and mind in those moments- this we do not know. All that we are aware of is a vague ache and tension in the throat, chest, face and a sense of failure, embarrassment and helplessness.

We have learned from our childhood to despise and shun our stammering. But since it does happen in spite of this, our conscious mind plays a trick and 'erases' these uncomfortable moments from the 'tape' of our day to day memory- some kind of on-line editing of a live show. The conscious mind denies the problem and takes no cognizance of the events. It is relegated to the realm of 'unconscious' behavior or reactions. Many PWS believe that it is not they who do their stuttering; it just happens by itself! And hence, how can they do anything about it? So, there is no cure for it!

In this first step, we will learn how to regain control of the 'lost kingdom' and discover that it is we who stutter and not our mouth doing it on its own. To do this, we record, review, study and analyze our speech in the following steps. A word of caution, this is the most difficult and painful step, but if you can do it, three quarters of the battle is won:

Step 1 (Play with a tape or a video camera)

Record your speech under different circumstances: reading a newspaper or a book; talking to yourself or children, talking with a friend or in a small group. Start with the most comfortable situation, like reading alone. Use a simple audio tape or a cell-phone with camera, whichever is convenient. The latter will have the advantage of recording both your speech as well as your facial expressions.

For the first few minutes, you might be too conscious of the recording but later you will get used to it and speak in your normal style. So let the recording be long enough, 5-6 minutes or more. In your diary, record the date, time and situation (reading alone, using phone, discussing in group etc) under which you recorded. If you are using the phone camera, you may use a friend. If this friend is a PWS, all the better. Essentially it can be anyone you trust.

Step 2 (replay and review)

Replay the tape- listen to your speech, study your body language, facial expressions, hands etc. if it is a video recording; review these even in those moments when you are speaking fluently. Compare this, with those moments when you are having a little hesitation or difficulty. As a listener now, try to guess how you are coming through as a speaker. Confident? Comfortable with yourself and the subject? Enjoying every moment of it? Or in a hurry to finish?

Based on what you see and hear, try to guess, and feel, your emotional and psychological states as you were speaking those words on the tape. Replay the moments when you think you were not very comfortable. Pause the tape frequently to see and hear: did your pitch go up as you came across a 'difficult' word? Was there a struggle to push out a difficult sound? Did your lips press together with greater force and for longer duration than you would normally expect? Record your observations in the diary, against the entries you made in step one above.

Step 3 (get in touch with emotions)

Review these recordings over a long period- 3-6 months and try to note down, what you do differently, in the moments of difficulty as opposed to when you are speaking fluently. It will be even more useful, if you could review these tapes with a trusted friend or a recovering stutterer. You could go a step further and fake your stutter while alone- and stay in that moment for a couple of minutes- to know what it actually feels like, in mouth, in body and in mind. In other words- consciously reproduce a moment of your stuttering and hold it (freeze) there: My name is S-------------achin. I live in K-k-k-k.....Kanpur. etc.

If you could do it in a normal conversation with a pet, children and friends (in this order), you would even discover unique emotions associated with your stuttering, but completely unknown to you till then; buried deep in your core. So, later on, when you start to deal with your stutter, you address not only what your mouth does, but also what your mind and your emotions do in those moments of difficulties.

Step 4 (wider explorations)

Meet other PWS, read their posts on chat groups, their biographies on the web. While reading, try to compare your life with theirs; your observations with theirs; your problem-solving approaches with theirs. This will help you to understand that:

1. Your experiences as PWS are not unique

2. Your responses to your problems are also not unique.

You can learn form their experiments. Knowing your 'speech' is not enough; you must know yourself as a total human being: your attitude towards life, relationships, responsibilities, career, recreation, creativity - and how these have been influenced by your speech; your deepest fears and aspirations. One way is to meet others on the same path and compare notes and the second complimentary path is diving within yourself: sitting quiet and reviewing your life, contemplation, meditation. Vipassana meditation has helped some people in this regard. Read more about it later in this manual.

Steps 1-3 should be repeated as often as you want, with your review and analysis becoming deeper and deeper. It needs courage, determination and some 'quality' time to go deeper. Finally, a time should come when you know your stammer so well that you can reproduce it 100% at will in a mimicry contest among friends! This signifies complete emotional healing- an important stage in the long journey. But there is more to be done, so that your audience is able to understand what you are saying. You still have to become a good communicator, if not 'orator'.